The Law of Conservation of Penises

Dating back to the epic Gilgamesh, most traditional entertainment-related fiction describes A HERO who is primarily supported by two other characters:

1. THE BFF
2. THE LOVE INTEREST(S)

With THE BFF, the hero shares: His ADVENTURES, his FEARS, his ANGER, his WEAKNESSES, and his FLAWS. THE HERO and THE BFF have usually gone through CHILDHOOD together (or at the very least some type of TERRIBLE ADVERSITY) and they have seen one another at their very BEST and WORST. They share a BOND like no other. Paradoxically, the bond is called "LOVE."

With the confusingly-named LOVE INTEREST(S), THE HERO shares: His DICK! But usually NOT ANYTHING ELSE.

This creates terrible antagonism between the DICK-RECIPIENTS and the LOVE-RECIPIENTS, as well as the people who IDENTIFY with them. (I think we can all agree, FOR EXAMPLE, that a SOLITARY DICK is not much of a GIFT.)

To resolve the seemingly insoluble problem of DICKS and LOVE destroying one another into perpetuity, one of two things must occur:
1. THE LOVE INTEREST(S) should become THE BFF. AHAHAHA! I'm just KIDDING. This is NOT EVER going to happen, of course. You can't be FRIENDS with WOMEN! They are always trying to get you to MARRY them.
2. Alternatively, THE HERO can give his DICK to THE BFF. This effectively extinguishes the role of the THE LOVE INTEREST(S) in whatever story anyone happens to be telling, but that’s actually quite SERENDIPITOUS, isn’t it? She was PRETTY FUCKING ANNOYING. And what was with that SKIMPY LITTLE COSTUME?

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